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Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

leilawinters

2:17a Let's Learn a Little Responsibility, All Right? Yesterday I was coming off a 12 hour shift (sounds worse than it was, got my second wind around the 9th hour) and phoned home for a ride since the very idea of waiting for a bus and then trudging home 3/4 of a mile in the snow made me want to pull my hair out. I knew something was up the moment I heard my mother's voice. She has school four days a week. And then I knew without her saying anything that she didn't go because one or both babies had ended up at our house and because I wasn't home to take over, she decided to skip. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT. THAT IS SOME MINDFUCK RIGHT THERE. See, babies was the reason she never finished English classes the first time around 30 years ago, too. And I'm not gonna be emo about it and say it's my fault because I was stuck working, instead, I'm going to lay the blame where it belongs: FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTS. Firstly, mother and sister need to speak up for themselves and lay ground rules for children at the house. Secondly, worthless mothers need to own up to their children and be responsible adults and have alternatives in place. This kind of shit makes my trust meter crash and burn. A couple weeks ago when I was still attending study groups, before work got crazy, I used to bus it over to my mother's school while my transfer was still good and sit around for an hour and a half reading or writing because I didn't trust my sister after she forgot to pick my mother up the one time and I wanted to be around because Mom doesn't have a cell phone. I hate the lack of accountability. Because guess what? I'M not sabotaging Mother's education, YOU WORTHLESS MOTHERS are the ones doing it. And I hope you can't fucking sleep at night when your children get colic and teething fevers. Today, decided I could make the trip home on my own, totally decked out in crazy layers (earmuffs, hat, hood, two scarves, big wool jacket, two shirts, a hoodie, thermals, pants, -20 F snowpants, boots, gloves). Windchill was below zero F, but I figured a fifteen minute walk for that 3/4 mile was doable, even if the last stretch was going to be upsetting. Everything was fine...except one oversight. When I got home, I had to sit with my feet in a tub for an hour and a half to counteract the beginnings of frostbite. God, I really hate winters here. About halfway through, I thought to grab my laptop and then it was a somewhat pleasant footsoak. That's what happens when you forget to wear two layers of socks. Ah, the lessons of learning responsibility. I believe Calvin's dad would say this was an exercise in building character. current mood: exhausted

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Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

leilawinters

10:00p Crazy Eyes Raises Its Ugly Head...I'm Intense. So I've been in an intense zone the past few weeks. General obsession with Glee, betterment of the self by setting "virtue" goals that I check off at night (like "betterment of the mind," "investing in my health," "cultivating my inner bard" -- which are basic: reading a Shakespearean scene aloud, taking my daily gummy vitamin, spending time writing -- things of that nature). I've been listening to audiobooks at work (Art of War, The Book of Tea, The Spinster Book, The Mists of Avalon) as well as a number of podcasts and generally feel as though I'm maximizing my work time by being simultaneously productive in expanding my mind and improving my listening skills (particularly with regards to the nonfiction audiobooks) while making money. I've even been doing something IN MY SLEEP...I'm not sure what, but I've been doing a lot of reading lately and nightly drift off with my laptop still on. When I awaken in the morning for work, it's still on. I'm vaguely aware of occasionally clicking a different tab or closing out a program in the wee hours...but my power settings show that my computer is to turn off after an hour of inactivity. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL NIGHT IN MY SLEEP FOR IT TO STILL BE ON IN THE MORNING?? As a consequence of my "get my life on track" endeavors, I pretty much haven't seen anybody for about 3 weeks, excepting celiloquy's grandmother's funeral and two gaming sessions with Puppy Boy. I know it'd been getting a long time since I last unloaded emotional baggage because yesterday, at the slight hint of stress (in the hour I was left alone with the baby -- who'd been FINE and sunny all day -- I'd given her a bottle and sang us both into a sleep-like state. I awoke a few minutes later to her screaming. Nothing could console her, she didn't want me to hold her, but I couldn't be out of her bitty arm's reach--just screaming the whole time with big, fat tears on her face. I refilled her bottle and she took it, or tried to, but then puked. Twice. And almost a third time as I mopped up throughout her screaming. She finally settled down to music I played off youtube just as my sister came home. Leave it to me to turn the most amiable toddlers into screamers) ...so, at the slight hint of stress, I immediately start babbling intensely to my sister for about an hour about Glee and then for another hour to my brother about vastly inappropriate topics. You know you haven't spoken to your friends in awhile when you are talking 50 miles a minute about the scariest penis you ever saw at a gay club with male strippers under the shower where men started covering their assholes out of fear and deference to the beast that belonged in a porno, not a stage to intimidate those who would tip him -- or about a podcast where fucked up people ask Dan Savage for advice on how to get drunk by pouring alcohol into their anus (which is dangerous, don't do it) -- or my "gay test" to determine whether or not the Boss Man was a homo (delightfully the answer is yes) and just laughing my ass off and probably scaring my bro with how much he probably doesn't know about me. Realizing this, I said to myself aloud, "Man, you can tell I haven't hung out with my friends in awhile." See? I'm not entirly self-sufficient. I'm admittedly high-maintenance. :) And the Glee Fall Finale...mediocre throughout, but full of crazy surprises...and then ended on the greatest note EVER with a dance number that incorporated all the memorable bits from all their previous choreography. AWESOME...and bisexuality still rocks...and I still say after Sectionals, Puck should have grabbed Rachel Berry by her hot Jew shoulders and made out with her. Foo. current mood: jubilant current music: GLEE

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